Just when it looks like the shit has hit the fan... SSR unleashes his killer plan.
First nail the chick issue.
SSR (in his 'common man' avataar) n Mama decide to pull out Formula R009 : Fake suicide.
So as per the plan, the girl is informed that unless she says Yes.. the guy is getting creamed by an oncoming locomotive. The location and time has been forwarded to the mademoiselle.
Little does she know, that Mama is onboard the "blessed" locomotive giving detailed progress reports via SSR's headset. Sure enough loco n belle on the bridge both are on time. Train is drawing too near for comfort.. girl has the "solving some complex equations" look on her face. SSR has been slowly backing away, finds his legs stuck between the rails & yells out the retreat type code - which means "Mama pull the goddamn chain.. this chick is trouble!" Mama runs for the chain in the train.. the stupid passengers object ( bickering microbes don't know their place in the grand scheme of things). He makes a olympic effort to grab the chain.. but ends up with the broken chain in his hand.. Drat! Is this end of our superstar ? Don't worry I'm not going on a break like those lamos on TV.
SSR accepts his fate.. closes his eyes and makes his peace. Girlie meanwhile has found the real and imaginary solutions to her equation and gets on track with the program. She takes her flaming red dupatta (now that's called dressing for the occasion) and frantically waves it around, running towards the oncoming train screaming her head off to stop the train. Slow Mo time... ala Baywatch.
Now I see that most of the people in the m-plex are looking down at their feet. After the movie I saw some people with their eyes misaligned from staring too hard at the moving parts on screen... And I realize the subtle solution to these anti social elements. That's what you get for eyeing HIS girl ! Now these miscreants can't do no evil when their left eye sees something different than their right eye. Improving society .. one pervert at a time. Rajni devaaa!!
Well formula works again.. Girl is back in the ruling party.
Back to the other thread, SSR comes up with a new end-game that he was teaching to Bobby Fisher in second grade.
[At this point I'm being summoned by the minions of the world's biggest conglomerate to do their dirty software dishes. So I need to wind this up quick]
SSR makes a friendly neighbourhood call to the villain, "Tip off! The IT Guys are coming your way." Bad man promptly gets all his 'gunahon ka kacha chittha' in a couple of sacks and dispatches it to the secret hideout. Needless to say the angels pick it up.
Now the next step is "mobilizing committment" - SSR walks into a hospital - as usual there are couple of the now infamous beaten up recovery agents. He gives them their offer letters with competitive moral compensation -- to work for a noble cause. Houston, we now have manpower online.
Next he gets all the P.A.s and advisors into a room. He then delivers a phenomenal talk on black money & the dangers of economic disparity. So to solve this burning issue, the PAs must let SSR know where he can unearth hidden black fiscal reserves of their masters; that he can then use for items jotted down in the 'Just causes spreadsheet.xls' on his trusty laptop. Needless to say some of them refuse.. and they are promptly shepherded into the 'Office room' locked from outside while the operating light is on - where the fully recuperated knights go medieval on them. 100% compliance.
Soon money is pourin into this giant funnel which is then funnelled into friendly helper classes in the US and delegated back to the singleton "SSR foundation of global TN welfare" as white money. Progress follows the footsteps of the great one... the vision begins to turn into reality. The mobile "Office room" ensures the process remains operating at R sigma levels.. viz.."if you defect we clobber you!"
Some moths are drawn into the fire at regular intervals. Pests! A rodeo show with a Pajero at the newest TN Drive-in movie place and some other assorted attacks later... that jezebel wifey dear betrays SSR out of indoctrinated CBI fear (he'll die by the sword. Help us help him) and hands over his lappy to the CBI
But SSR has his laptop voice activated. Ha ha ha haaa... See laptop didn't open. Intelligence is not that intelligent now is it ? SSR takes the morally high road and loves her even more to drive in the guilt. Wifey relents. Lesson learnt.. SSR can not turn back once again to more social concerns.
However that damned villain has the cops on his payroll... he gets in and thrashes a bonded SSR in the police lockup.. (some of the engrossed viewers ripped out a few chairs from the multiplex watching this scene. No issues..It would all be the reimbursed by the great one.)
Finally SSR runs into a high tension power gen unit and gets himself electrocuted and switches his heart into silent mode. (All those you were eating popcorn while the friendly doctor was taking "Jumpstarting the human heart 101" class in the first half of the movie.. here's what happens when you are inattentive. Stay confused you morons!)
The cops are shitting bricks by now... died in custody.. they'll have our heads for this. So they bundle him into a medical van.. badGuy think on his feet - Plans are made to ambush this van mid-way and torch it to ensure that no tales are told. And sure enough the police van is stopped and torched. What the hell !!?? Shankar you !@^!*(@ who wrote the ^@#^$% script for this? Lets go and torch his stupid rear end
Hold on. Shankar is an accomplised director who loves human life... especially his own. The Doc and wifey have been on the trail of the medical van, they do the switcheroo trick. Doc does his thing and the heart gets back onto the network. Some guy is burnt in the van in his place and no one's the wiser.
Soon enough SSR returns in the bald MGR avataar stepping out of a helicopter- houston we have charismatic NRI Re-entry!!! Applause!!! Soon the baddies are sweating bullets.. there's a Matrix-shaming fight sequence on the college rooftops. Money rains from the skies as the bad guy's loot is flung for the masses. Adi seshan's time has run out and he promptly becomes a splat on his college floor and is run over by the handicapped student he refused admission to in the first half and the rest of the academia jumping for the swirling currency. IRONY!!
Social FootNote while the Credits roll to "Sivaji Rigtaah!" : Introduce Money cards and abolish paper currency. Black money will be a thing of the past.
Too much information .. I have the rest of my life to reiterate through the master's teachings.
Episode II : Sivaji goes Balleilaka Balleilaka !!!
What follows henceforth is an account of my tryst with the BOSS and I have replayed it with a fine comb! It is still running houseful in its 4th week in Bombay. All the local baccha artistes have tasted the dust below his feet..
Well the rest of it might be a giant spoiler.. so if you plan to see it - CEASE n DESIST. But then, If you haven't seen it yet... your life couldn't be sadder.. my condolences.
Well lets rewind to the beginning.
Well just after the mandatory regulatory "Superstar Rajni" splash screen...
They show someone being brought to Court; The amby stops... People are wailing in the streets; protesting hustling bustling... civic unrest. The inspector in the front seat goes "Sir please cover your face - if the media gets on this... " Deep voice resounds consent. Black cloth over head - someone is being taken to jail. Cut to Cell - Standing with his back to the camera leaning on the bars. The guy in the adjoining cells asks
"What are you here for ...Murder?"
Ahaan (Sylabblic No mixed with a laugh with 67.28% derision)
"Rape Case" Nopes
"Internet Sex caseaaa" No
I am here for public welfare
FLASHBACK: Cut to airport. Papa Mumma n Mumma's bro (Resident Comic Mama) are waiting for Sivaji to come down. A gaggle of mini wearing PYTs is already ready for Sivaji to choose from. Mama introduces the girls to the "Producers of Sivaji"... [a dramatic pause for the punch ] "Mother n Father..". We now know that the humor standards have been set real high with this one.
Next thing.. the familiar fling of the hair and Thalaivar is here. Takes out a Stylan standard issue white gum.. Carefully watch the next RAjnikant moVE.
Right hand releases the gum on an instantaneously calculated deflected trajectory off the left hand into his mouth.
Style !!! A thousand aartis light up in hundreds of talkies in somewhere down south which can be seen by Sunita Williams in space.
Here he comes... down the escalator. After the mini family reunion n some small talk.. Sivaji sets for home with his parents n Mama in his silver Merc (A Stunner)
On his way home, Mother asks him what does he do in the States ? ( A perfectly valid journalistic question with all the viewers are waiting with bated breath)
"Software System Analyst"
No more details. Actually this one of my doubts that was causing me great discomfort and had some burning questions _ Did Sivaji work in run-of-the-mill with-the-crowd M$ or Java or does he work in the more radical and cutting edge stuff like Rails, Scheme, stuff that is still classified and only Superstar subscribers know about? Is he a slick keyboarder or a precision mouse fragger ? Now this is probably a given with his faster-than-the-human-eye motion-sensor-beating moves, Is he "Agile" ?? But none of these queries were answered. Makes sense otherwise it would cause a massive imbalance in the technology equilibrium. And Superstar always keeps his BALANCE!
SSS proceeds to explain how he has made 200 crores (???!!!) by working hard and now he is back to give it back to the community via providing low cost education n healthcare n other value added non-taxable services.
Some doubters might go ... 'There ripped off Swades...' Well I think Khan saab only managed to light a bulb or something n drove some trailer or something. Did he return with 200 crores in a streaking silver Merc? I don't think so!
So next SSS has a party to meet the whos who- He meets his nemesis All-White local Bigshot "Adi Seshan"
The female crowd is just busting at the seams... with an imprompu fashion walk PYT svayamvar. Nonetheless, SSS is homebred thoroughbred- he wants a docile charming sarvagun samapann Tamil belle. When forced to dance, He asks the DJ to switch to some local style from the techno crap he is dishing out.. "don't diss me" says Rajni.
And we are teleported to a gigantic green planet and its time for a local Tamil style boogie in the glade "Balleilaka Balleilaka" goes SSS n the female lead (Shreya / Shriya) along with an entire army of backup dancers. One regiment is especially noteworthy - coz all are potbellied with body paint on. That one take where there is SS Rajni in the middle among an array of potbellies with Thalaivar's face painted on em - Pure Cinematic genius. The grandeur sets the stage for things to come. SP n Rehman show how its done - infinitely danceable.. still playing in a loop on my cell.
So after that workout (Hey , its not only the big corporations that started the "workouts") Back to business. SSS goes about his grand plan of social upliftment.
He first meets the bad guy who promised to do all that he could in the party (naaye!!!), who politely but sternly asks him to back off his terrain and venture into real estate. But SSS has just seen him extort lakhs of rupees as medical fees from a chap from an impoverished family n a deformity in his leg. SSS is indignant at this blatant extortion in the name of education. His resolve is furthered solidified and he lays down the gauntlet to AdiSeshan.
First step.. Mama sets up an appointment with a middleman who says your project plan is too huge in scope. You'll need 50-60 approvals. Fork out the oiling fees (lakhs) and it shall be done. SS erupts against this blatant corruption (He has much to adapt) throws him out by the collar. Middle man still takes his imported bottle ("consulting fees" he says) and mooches his 2 pegs ("Service tax!")
SS tries it the hard way. He runs from pillar to post for his clearance and approval papers with Mama in tow ... All in Vain!. SSS relents to the tyrannical vice-like grip of the corrupt zombies - "what is the valuation of your project? Gimme x%". Back to middleman... who produces a Swindlers' list of "gifts". Next each one is invited to a presidential suite of a top hotel and the drop is made. All clear. Construction begins.
Now its time to look for a suitable gurl.. Mama informs him that the kind he wants .. only a few exist in the wild and can only be found in temples (if he is lucky). So it is temple tour time.. Finally nazrein mili on our girl. But a bumbling inspector (a direct descendant of the AppuRaja inspector) puts a spanner in the works. Next project 'Track down the belle'. Mama is resourceful in such matters and gets GPS activated. We have a lock on Selvi's co-ordinates.
So both of em decide to drop by and pay her a visit.
Next Mama n SSR in disguise like people preparing the voting list - meet the parents. He makes a detailed inspection of her artistic talents etc. in the name of democracy. But her dad sees thru the gimmick and locks all the exits while daughter enchants both of them with a ditty which ends with the climax of Bumbling cop bursting thru the main door catching em redhanded. BUSTED! This sequence shall make more sense when you have watched an earlier SSR flick Chandramukhi. Back References - always a sign of a great movie! The parents meet up in the police station of all places and talk about future plans. But the girls parents are adamant (Whats up with these guys anyway I mean .. is there some universal problem ?) - even after Sivaji shows them his Illam, which is like a tamil version of Mandrake's Xanadu sans the paranoid security measures. He's got food fit for kings, apparel, closets of stuff for the next decade of married life - Vision thy name is...
Turns out she works at the local music shop.
Just as negotiations are underway, a bunch of goons descend from nowhere. Some thrash talk ensues... mama warns em but when its time... it's clobberin time!!! A gum is popped and what ensues is a musical fight like no other.. Free Guitar lessons from the Rockstar.
A THUNDERING instrumental SYMPHONY with some gems like there's a many to one scenario where SSS is in a dodge-ball like circle. One swing with his trusty guitar.. goons fly off radially and while they are in mid-air.. time freezes for SSS to play a few riffs and show us some dance steps before they goons drop like flies. Flash Gordon has a new friend!
Time for a dream sequence Song.. with tamil gladiators n the docile tamil belle undergoes a stunning metamorphosis with a capital M into a ravishing seductress with moves that need to be seen to be believed. (We will observe a silent ogle session of about 4 mins as did anyone who saw that song for the first time. Only SSR in his Sultan look can keep his calm demeanour and continue with the choreographed steps. As for the rest of the crew, its only the fear of death at the hands of Thalaivar, that kept from mass-ogling n groping.. Just as you are about to pass out.. the song ends and your heart returns to steady state speeds. Paramedics are at your beck n call in all theatres... SSR is health-consciousness personified. Detailed heart treatment has been seamlessly woven into the script given the rising stress levels of the working class all over the world. His good ol' doc - [ Bhavani from Shiva... the better n older one] explains it lucidly to SSR Now you may be fooled into believing that SSR didn't know that already.. but then BOSS.. that's acting. In the interest of public healthcare of the millions n millions watching all over the world. )
Meanwhile baddie has hooked in his puppy home minister - he has "made" him the minister. So a flash "stay-order" on the construction. SSR tries to reason with the minister but HM needs 25% of the entire budget to keep his peace. 50 Lakhs! Heartbroken... SSR pledges his house n belongings to borrow money and pay off the minister. Stay averted... Adi Seshan blows his top on being double crossed by his snitch and promptly pulls the rug from under his minister
Just as you thought he'd get a breather... Miss Belle refuses to get jiggy with THE ONE citing "complexion difference" as the reason. Mama goes ballistic in the music shop saying you don't talk about 2 things to a Tamilian. The second one is the dark side... Feared even by the Jedis for its mysterious powers to corrupt across galaxies!! Mama : instead of making you fair, why don't we just blacken her - that would be easier! Very logical but SSR agrees to her whims n fancies (customer centricity) and its time for project 'Fair n Lovely' After many procedures n practices - SSR comes back to the shop as a Firang!!! No less.
What follows is the super hit number "Style" shot in Spain. AR Rehman brings the house down with his beats!! Tamil Belle is all mini skirty and pumping again - a case of 'splitting out of her clothes' personality ??!!
By the end of the song, belle confesses she likes the Ol' Look better and she lied - she has some astrological complications - impending doom n gloom to any one who marries her. These astrologers... after all that cardiac activity to get the girl to say yes.. these no good quacks come to rain on the parade. (Uh oh.. things just keep piling on our humble superstar!) SSR smooth talks her and says ****s to those psychics. A girl turning down the champ... unheard of !!
Meanwhile on the parallel track, Minister has been sacked and a new Dog has been installed in his place. Bulldozers are re-sent to tear down the fledgling development - SSR thunders into the ministers cabin. He is informed that new permissions are needed, the money you paid was to the old government which is no more. New people, new "donations".. SSR has no more money left.. and he hires a lawyer to fight his case. He ends up giving up his silver merc as good will to the lawyer and has to walk home. To top it off, our split-belle has blown a gasket - she thinks she has brought about misfortune on our champion. All attempts to reconcile are met with a new flood of sobs n denials.
So in the end, everything is confiscated.. SSR is out on the road. The baddie in his infinite khujli comes and gives SSR a One Rupee coin with a mock sympathy monologue. SSR thinks hard on his next course of action - finally lets the divine powers guide him . Coin flip Tails I back out Heads (Lions head) I go n kick his Ass. Need I tell you the result.. the Gods are not that crazy after all.
Next is the trademarked copyrighted - patented in 3 dimensions and 27 states. The 3 pronged Sivaji coin flip.
RAVE: Hold shiny one rupee coin in right hand. Do a linear horizontal flip with your thumb. Quickly intercept the coin on the left end B of trajectory. Flick again to return to Position A. Now flick again to toss coin into the air in a elliptical path into whatever pocket you feel like .. Side, front, back you name it.
You have lions roaring in the back ground while SSR assumes the King of the Moutain Pose.
INTERMISSION
Watch this space... or better yet, watch the movie before I post again.
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